Creating a deep connection with someone is probably one the most satisfying things we experience as humans. It is so powerful because we are, in actuality, creating a deep connected relationship with ourselves. We all come from the same source, so we are all linked. Because of this, we feel an elation when we relate to another…through intimacy, business, parenting…in all areas of our life.
On the flip side, that desire can cause a great obstacle in our journey to awakening, because of our ‘need’ for acceptance. We want to have connection so badly, that we may mold ourselves to the ways of another. This desire is so strong that it can feel like a necessity of survival.
However, once we wake up to the beauty of our individuality AND unity, we begin to remember that no matter what it looks like on the outside, we are never alone.
At this point, having a connection with someone becomes a matter of creation, rather than life or death. And, we can choose how we want to experience it. How do we do that? One way is through our listening. When we listen and interact with intention, we create the space where worlds are made. Our world.
Compassionate listening is a tool we can use to build a close relationship with another. A connection where they can feel heard and accepted and fully expressed. It is important to note, that we are not responsible for the feelings of others. We can only control 3 things in our lives…our thoughts, our feelings and our actions. This is a very freeing realization in the sense that, if we are not in control (responsible) for anothers feelings, then they are not in control of us…and our feelings.
That being said, we ARE responsible for the energy we put out into the world. A perfect example of that is with our children.
Our children learn by modeling our actions and behaviors. This becomes their baseline. How we relate to them is how they learn to relate to others. Compassionate listening gives them the space to express themselves, as well as, to see how we unconditionally love them.
There are for main points to keep in mind when using this tool. Before that, however, we decide to have the intention of using it. Once you have stated your intention, it begins to integrate. And, soon you won’t even remember the mechanics of it, only the feelings.
The first is to listen intently.
The second is to listen without judgment.
The third is to refrain from interrupting.
The fourth is to refrain from comparing.
This system benefits both involved.
The listener experiences expressing unconditional love, true presence, the freedom of living in non judgment and without comparison.
The listened to, experiences unconditional love, release and safety.
They both benefit from a true connection. This results in a more authentic relationship with themselves and each other.
I always know when I use this with my children because of how they react, and how it feels when we are together.
The other day my son wanted to make a fort in the living room. This is a huge undertaking in our house. We use every piece of furniture, plus the dining chairs. There is never a place to sit because the cushions are off the couches and chairs and the whole thing looks like a huge mess to me. Not to mention I am the one that usually cleans it up after he goes to bed.
I was a big fat NO to this request. I was tired and didn’t want the hassle of it all. He was a big fat REACTION to my no. And why wouldn’t he be? Building a fort is super cool and fun and expresses his desire to build and create. It is the perfect kid thing.
It is the perfect kid thing. Then I started to realize that this was the conversation I always had with my mother around doing anything messy. And, I remembered my commitment to do things differently with my children. So I said…ok lets talk about this.
And he did…he must have talked for 10 minutes about what he wanted to do and how it would look and what we could do in it and how sister could help. I listened intently. I let go of the judgment about the mess and I didn’t interrupt. I also chose to stop comparing my experience with his. And things shifted.
There are so many seemingly unpredictable outcomes when using compassionate listening. One, is that the listener expands….expands in their perception of what is really going on for themselves and the other person. Another, is that an understanding emerges, one that can only come through aligning with another.
When I said ok, and we started to build, you would have thought that heaven had dropped into our living room…the funny thing is…it had. His face lit up and his body moved with such freedom and grace. I had so much energy and we played and built and i’ll never forget it.
This experience benefited both of us equally. I don’t always say yes to forts…but I do more now than I used to. I was even able to express my feelings with him on the clean up situation. Since then, he has taken on helping to put everything away, and we make a game out of that,too.
This is such a small example of how compassionate listening can shift your experience and the experience of others. I use it with my clients, my husband, my family, my children. It works, and when I don’t use it..I can totally tell. Things don’t flow and all involved feel stuck.
When we open up to new ideas and fill ourselves with tools that align with universal laws we see magic. This world is a beautiful playground. Apply this and watch how much more fun it can be…..LOVE.